cute happy medley: August 2011

Weak Eyed Golfer

Bob wearily trudged into his house and laid down his bag of golf clubs. "How was your game, darling?" asked his wife, Jane. "I was hitting the ball ok, but my eyesight's gotten so damn bad I couldn't see where the ball went." shrugged Bob.

"Well, you're 75 years old," said Jane. "You can't expect everything to be like it was. Why don't you take my brother Jimmy along?" "But he's 85 and he doesn't even play golf any more..." protested Bob. "But he's got perfect eyesight," Jane pointed out. "he can watch the ball for you."

So the next day Bob teed off with Jimmy looking on. He swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it, do you see it?" asked Bob in anticipation. "Yep!" Jimmy answered. "Well where is it?" exclaimed Bob, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot," said Jimmy.

Beauty of the Day

Sense of Direction?

Mike and Pauline were relating their holiday experiences to a friend.

'It sounds as if you had a great time in Nevada,' the friend observed. 'But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Philadelphia?

'Well,' Mike interrupted, 'we changed our plans because, uh......oh........umm.'

Pauline spoke up, 'Come on, Mike, tell him the truth.'

Mike fell silent and Pauline continued, 'You know, it's just stupid. Mike simply won't ever ask for directions.'

Beauty of the Day

Old age is not for sissies!!!

A 90-year-old couple were having problems with their memory, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

They explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were in good health, however, the best thing to do was to start writing things down and make notes to help them to remember things.

Later that night while watching television, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure honey." She then asked him, "Don't you think that you should write it down on a note so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some chocolate syrup on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with chocolate syrup." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

Now irritated, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then goes down stairs to the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

Beauty of the Day

Twin Objects Of Desire

One day, a man noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts.

He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbour’s house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me," the man stammered, "But I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbour replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts." The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor man when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments.

Finally, they return, and ask the man to step inside. "Okay," the husband says gruffly, "For ten thousand dollars, you can kiss my wife's tits."

At this, the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. The man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.

"I can't," replies the man, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.

"I don't have ten thousand dollars!"

What is a C-String thong?

Beauty of the Day

Now she is going to regret it!

An old woman saved a Fairy's life. To repay this, the Fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes.

For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful.

Poof! She became young and beautiful.

For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world.

Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.

For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years.

Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth.

The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes.

After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"

Beautiful Women

Beauty of the Day

Birds and the Bees, 2007 Edition

Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?"

His dad sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway! Well, you see, your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We snuck into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button.

Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS.

Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:

"You've Got Male!"

Beauty of the Day

Happy Little Old Man

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six!" he said.

Beautiful Women

Beauty of the Day

My wife is missing

The man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere!"

Beautiful Women

Beauty of the Day

A huge slip-up!!

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.

Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

Jenny Love

Beauty of the Day

Baseball Vs. porn

A man watching a baseball game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.

“I don’t know whether to watch them or the game,” he said to his wife.

“For heaven’s sake, watch them have sex,” his wife said. “You already know how to play baseball!”

10 Tips To Seduce A Man

Beauty of the Day

Suicide Blonde

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor.

"You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Beauty of the Day

Handyman in the house?

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"

Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

Jenny Love

Beauty of the Day

You Can Hurry Love

A young man and his pretty bride rush in to see their minister at the church.

"We want to get married, Reverend. Here are all our papers, and these two people are our witnesses. Can you please do a quick ceremony?"

The minister is amused. He marries the two love birds, takes his money but then hesitates and asks, "I know you two are in love, but I would be remiss not to caution you that it is not wise to marry in a hurry. Why are you two in such a rush anyway?"

Rushing his new wife out before him the young man runs into the street shouting over his shoulder "Because we are parked in a 'no standing' zone!"

Beauty of the Day

Lost Her Mind

Oh Gosh," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

Beauty of the Day

Selling the Wife

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."

"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"

"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.

"You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her ,right?"

"Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"

Beauty of the Day

Love on the Lawn

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood.

Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.

He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well-dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

"This is a brothel", replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

Beauty of the Day

What do you like in life?

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

Beauty of the Day

Marriage Is About Celebration

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

“Let’s have a party, Ralph,” she suggested. “Let’s kill a pig.”

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. “Gee, Ethel,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”

Beauty of the Day

Eats Shoots And Leaves

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out.

The bartender yells for him to stop. The panda bear asks, "What do you want?" The bartender replies, "First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food."

The panda bear turns around and says, "Hey! I'm a Panda. Look it up!" The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopaedia, which read: "Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for its stark black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Beauty of the Day

Do not try to be clever!

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

Beauty of the Day

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